Wednesday, December 9, 2009

such a waste of a young heart

i'm stuck i'm stuck i'm stuck
this is the worst feeling
everything is a mess and its all of my own doing
i am a mess
and i'd rather just lie in bed all day feeling numb
than fix any of it
i've been taking a break from real life
a reality check is necessary
but dear reality, where are you when i need you?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

and so i realized

as much as you were using me, i was using you
and having a security blanket that's not so secure isn't healthy
i cant keep running back to you whenever i feel alone
or because i'm too scared to get close to anyone else
i dont want to take the time to let anyone else in
so back to you i go
you're my emotional crutch
but you're one that always falls down

seeking stability from something unstable: my best venture yet.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Let us die young or let us live forever...

youth is like diamonds in the sun
and diamonds are forever, forever

Sunday, October 11, 2009

panic attack

and just as i came home
and i walked into my empty room
i sat upon this empty bed
with creatures that i'd left for dead,
my heart it started racing
and my eyes just wouldn't close

and that's when i knew
that's when i knew

nothing is right without someone like you
without someone like you
without someone like you
nothing is right without someone like you

but that's a lie if i ever told one
because even though i thought of you
as i laid there on my back
staring at the stark white ceiling
trying to calm my nerves
i knew that i had always known
i'd always known i needed someone like you

i always knew
nothing is right without someone like you
someone like you
i need someone like you
no, nothing is right without someone like you

where does one find someone
like you

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

seasons change and so do i

summer is for the optimistic
warm nights for holding someone's hand
and in daytime, the glaring sun is never too much
for a care-free girl in a capitalist's world

winter is soothing for the lonely soul
cold and snow and evenings, pitch black
one's filthy habits and wretched thoughts
can find solitude here in a season most despised

Thursday, September 3, 2009

once, when you weren't looking, i did a cannonball

"this summer i swam in the ocean,
and i swam in a swimming pool,
salt my wounds, chlorine my eyes,
i'm a self-destructive fool,
i'm a self-destructive fool."

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

day seven, this is hell, this is hell

day 1
was no fun
day 2
i hated you
day 3
i wished you'd come right back to me
day 4
well, i guess you just don't give a shit

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

i messaged someone back today

it was my last shred of hope in finding true blue
not in this person, but in humanity.

how will i ever know when something is right?
when i almost have my heart set on something,
i'm reminded of some possibility or another
and it makes me not want to decide on anything at all.

what i want most is something that means so much,
is so transparently pure and right,
that no other possibility could ever compare.

i'm doomed to search forever
for the answers
to questions
which have none.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

i tried to ask you to your face,

but no words came out. i put on my hood and walked away. that doesn't mean i don't like you. and besides, you're probably holding hands with some skinny, pretty girl that likes to talk about bands. and all I wanna do is ride bikes with you and stay up late and watch cartoons. i opened my mouth and i tried and i tried.

Friday, June 12, 2009

what does being good enough feel like?

that poor duckling, sad and grey
he knew he was different from the rest
he was told it was bad to be different
he believed it was bad to be different
he grew to feel more and more inadequate each day
when he finally grew into himself,
into a beautiful swan,
he could finally embrace his differences
but only because they made him the same
the same as other swans
he finally felt as though he belonged somewhere
there's no such thing as different
there's no such thing as adequate

Monday, June 8, 2009

penny slots

this girl is
not a

she won't make
you feel

and she aint
worth a

my mind has fucked me over more times than any man could ever know

maybe i should give up giving
give up trying to be thin
give up and turn into my mother
god knows, i love her
and i'm sorry to whichever man,
should meet my sorry state.

Monday, May 18, 2009

quoted for truth

you're such a special girl allison
how why no
because you genuinely care for people, which no one does.
i care for people i shouldn't care for or who don't care for me. its not very special when you're living it.

Friday, May 15, 2009

you know i always like to play the victim

I cry, cry, cry, then I complain
Come back for more, do it again
I cry, cry, cry, then I complain
Come back for more, do it again

Thursday, May 14, 2009

where once i felt so at home

never again will that feeling be known.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

to forgive

is divine?

why is forgiveness equated with divinity when all it seems to do is make one a weak person a majority of the time. yes, there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting, but forgiving in my case involves the comprehension of the other's perspective. Once this understanding has been made, it is nearly impossible to hold a grudge, and even more impossible to hold anything against them. Once it is impossible to hold anything against them, you begin to see them as the same person you once did before you were given a reason to be cross with them in the first place. In this way, forgiving and forgetting are far too similar.

i've always been able to see most situations from all sides, making it difficult for me to judge anyone harshly. but i just wish this "divine" process would take me a longer time. when people fuck up big time they deserve for me to be mad at them for some time before i come to understand where they were coming from all along. somehow though, no matter what the damage, it takes but hours or moments for me to turn from steaming mad and angry allison back into understanding and compassionate allison.

i would get hurt a lot less if i weren't so easily forgiving, if i could actually uphold the ability to hate someone.

i am weak.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

in my skin

the fleeting
never fail to make me feel so insecure
the ones who stay
always fail to make me sure

where is your love now
if it ever was
something other than fantastical creation
something outside of our imagination
then where is it now
have you locked it up tightly
did you throw out the key
love is not an escape artist, you see
have you sealed it in a bottle
did you send it out to sea
love is not love unless you believe
where is your love now
where is your love

Sunday, April 5, 2009

lesson learned

It's been a tough year for all it's worth
Still keep my phone number at the bottom of your purse
Between your sticks of gum and all the
Reasons why you don't call me anymore

Just in case you change your mind
Hang a right at the lights, I get off work at five
I'm a song away on your stereo
So just get in your car and drive

I think it's high time you find
Diamonds in this coalmine called me
And there's reasons to prove I can change
If that's what you want me to do
That's what you want me to do
i thought you appreciated the nice things i always did for you.
but apparently, all it did was make me into someone who is unimportant to you unless you are in need of something.
by showing i care, i somehow made myself worthless in your eyes.

Friday, April 3, 2009

hey, this one's for you

pity, take pity on me
cause i'm not half the man that i should be
always turning to run
from the people i should not be afraid of

and darling, you should know
that i have fantasies about being alone
its like love is a lesson that i can't learn
cause i make the same mistakes at each familiar turn

i know you can't hold out forever
waiting on a diamond and a tether
from a boy who won't swing
but who will dip his toe in
just to keep you here with him

i've got this habit i abhor
when we go out, i'm always watching the door
as if there's someone i'm gonna see
who could out-do the things that you do to me

i know you can't hold out forever
waiting on a diamond and a tether
from a boy who won't fly but who will take to the skies
if he thinks that you're about to say goodbye

pity, take pity on me
cause i'm not half the man that i should be
i don't blame you, you've had enough
of all these empty promises and countless bluffs

cause i know you can't hold out forever
waiting on a diamond and a tether
from a boy who won't jump when he falls in love
well, he just stands with his toes on the edge
and he waits for it to disappear again

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


i just woke up from a long and terrifying dream. i am going to attempt to write as much of it here as i can, although i've already forgotten the beginning and a lot of the details.
i fell asleep listening to a playlist that i made before bed, and a lot of the songs were in my dreams and i think they affected what happened.

the earliest thing i remember was coming home to find my cousin selena and a man at my house. my auntie tabby was there too and dragana was with me. they were all talking and i was talking too and i had my computer playing my music. suddenly, there were more of my cousins there and they all started to sing along to sink, florida, sink with me. the next thing i knew, i woke up on the floor near my garage door (in my dream). I walked upstairs to find my aunt, my cousin and the man she had brought sitting upstairs outside my room. he had a one syllable name which i cannot remember and he got up to go downstairs as i walked up the stairs, in order to let my aunt and cousin talk alone. this is the first time i got a good look at him. he was old and ugly. i tried to talk to my aunt and cousin to tell them i would leave them alone too, but words wouldn't come out. i tried to get to my room but fainted again.

somehow, me and dragana decided to go to a bar with my cousin and the man and some other people. we were sitting on a bail of hay for a long time at the bar. while 'harrisburg' was playing at the bar, the man tried to kiss me and actually was holding me in place trying to kiss my neck and dragana just laughed and wouldn't do anything to help and he was so much stronger than me.

then 'back at your door' came on at the bar and everyone was happy for me because it was one of my favorite songs. this guy who had been talking to me, i forget how we knew him in the dream but i believe he was croatian or something, thought i was ignoring him because i kept almost fainting again. so he stood up on the bails of hay and started singing the song. his voice was really nice. then some asian guy stepped up and started singing the next line. his voice was also lovely. and finally, a black guy stood up to sing the succeeding line and he had a good voice as well. i then fainted again. when i woke up i was at kim's house (i've never been to kim's house) with a bunch of people including dragana and mirela. suddenly my "boyfriend" was there too. (maybe the croatian boy from the bar?) and i had much love and adoration for him. i told dragana and mirela that they looked in the mirror too much (which, to my knowledge, is not actually true), and sat on square couches trying exceptionally hard not to faint again. of course i did, and woke up screaming.

at this point i decided i better head home, so i began to walk to my car. I tried to walk over the river where it meets the kensington bridge and, for some reason, it was on level with the road. I thought it was ice but it was water and it was moving incredibly fast. it swept me sideways and over the railing and i was somehow raised like 50 feet in the air. as i sat in the air falling back into the water below, i comtemplated what to do. i didn't have my cell phone so i couldn't call for help if i got stuck in the rapids (as if that were possible, anyways), i wouldn't be able to reach the shore with the water moving so quickly, and i might die when i hit the water anyways - if i even hit water. I decided maybe i'd try to grab things (metal posts and such, don't ask me why they were there) as i fell. because, even though they would break my arms, they would slow my fall. while contemplating this, i fainted again.

the next thing i remember is getting to my car. i got in and hooked up my old ipod to play 'the gardner' and grabbed my phone. my first impulse was to call dragana and nathan and tell them that i loved them. then i realized i should call my mom. finally, i decided i should call 911 first to let them know what happened. as i dialed the 3 digits, i reached to lock the door of my car (it was late at night), but i was too late. suddenly hands were around my neck and pushing me downwards. i was curled up backwards in my seat while i was dialing so they had me pressed against the steering wheel and i couldn't breathe and i looked up to see the guy's face and he was yelling at me but i couldn't hear what he was saying. and suddenly, above him, more faces were appearing until there were at least 7 men in my car, holding me down and yelling at me. i tried to tell them not to hurt me but my voice wasn't working again and i was on the verge of fainting. i tried to remember whether or not i had pressed send on the phone after dialing 911. finally i used all of my strength to yell I CAN'T HEAR YOU. my voice worked to say this and i looked up at them and i still could not hear them but that seemed to make them very angry and they were yelling at me more intensely now and choking me. at this point, i fainted again.

and then my playlist ended and i woke up for real.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

the morning rain will wash away our pain

you did not dare say a single word
and i did not dare ask for something more.
i kept my questions secret, deep inside
but i wish i could have let you know about
a time when i would've said wait, please stay
did you mean to push me away?
please wait, just stay.
did you want it to be this way?

would you want to know what i've been through?
through all this time
would you want to know i have missed you too?
and i have you on my mind
and you've been and you will be a part of me
that i can't find
and you've been forgiven for your silence.

all this time, when i would've said wait, please stay
did you mean to push me away?
please wait, just stay
is there a way i could replace
times you never said,
"how've you been?"
"do you need anything?"
"want you to know i'm here."
"want you to feel me near."

and i hope that you will find your way
and i hope there will be better days

please wait, just stay.
did you mean to push me away?
please wait, just stay.
did you want it to be this way?
wait, please stay
and i hope, i hope that you will find your way.
please wait, just stay
and i hope, i hope there will be better days.

Friday, March 27, 2009

the kids at my work decided they wanted to do my hair today

so they made about 982374237 braids in my hair

and the thing around my neck is a scarf one of the little girls knitted me using her fingers

and for good measure, here is my smile @ the excitement of going out for my bday tonight

spain checklist


1. get travel insurance info and get trip cancellation insurance
2. complete online information
3. fill out housing forms
4. get $970 for deposit..
5. go to CISSA office and fill out forms/pay deposit

all by april 8th.

can she do it?
she sure hopes so!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

i didn't choose for it to be so, but i am completely resigned from this.
it is easier to give up on things when your subconscious decides for you and you don't have to make the decision to get over it yourself.

aaand my application to go to Spain for fall semester was accepted. now, i just have to hope and pray that nothing goes wrong in the mean time and that nothing messes it up.

also, perfect coffee/exchange of words today with James. always on the same page, i missed you!

things to look forward to the rest of the week:
- girls night with steph tomorrow (beer + movies + pizza = (L) )
- lunch with ryanguy on thursday
- drum for my bday on friday... my favorite people are all coming !!!
- karaoke on saturday
- no longer feeling like i've felt this entire past week

Swing life away!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

so now this heart can beat a skipping rhythm

And we sink, and we drown
and what is lost can never be found
well these arms did swim,
until the lungs pulled in
panic was lost in a deep understanding
that you will see what is wrong with everything
what is wrong with you and me
they make all the right reasons to fuck it up
you're gonna fuck it up

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

well then, who the hell was i?

i dont need more. i dont even want more. all i want is to stay how we are. but staying how we are is like standing on a tight rope. we are in perfect equilibrium, but with one small movement, we could be over the edge.
i never want to lose you. i never want to be anything but what we are right now.
to get over you is to not be your friend. to not be your friend is painful, as you mean so much more to me AS my friend than almost everyone else. but to be your friend is to feel this way, while simultaneously watching you drift away from me until eventually you are gone.
what kind of a choice is this?

please just stay for always.

Monday, March 9, 2009


i am very very upset at you.
you are being selfish and unreasonable.
in a competition that you, yourself, created, you will not win.
i will fight you to the death for this.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


"Well i sure havent sent you a message on our old chain in a long time. Might as well start a new one. Anyways, it does have a purpose. Now i understand that i dont live in Calgary and i am not with you every day, i dont know any of your friends, and i dont know of any of your relations with them, but i just wanted to tell you, that you have so much going for you cant fret on life too hard. i read (and bookmarked:p) you're blog and i really want to know what is tearing you up so bad. you... YOU are this beautiful girl who is intelligent, caring, and absoluetly phenomenal in so many ways i cant describe. You are the one thing in this life that i stumble on words to give an acurate description.... i just go back to using a handful of synonyms for great haha. Whatever it is in life that is the route of your anxiety, and whatever the dilemma is that your facing, just know that you have too many qualities for your life to turn out anything short of perfect. Honestly, if this little message isnt going to change your dilemma your anxiety, or your little sad face status. I just hope it puts a smile on your face, just for a little while. Because, that would make me smile too. :)"

i don't mean for my blog to sound overly distressing. i'm a happy person, i swear! its just that the things that bother me are the only things that i write about. i vent about them on the internet so that i can be happy-g0-lucky in real life.

so yes, i am troubled and discouraged and lost, but who isn't? and on top of all of this, i am excited and optimistic, i am in love with so many aspects of my life, i appreciate the little things and i have goals and dreams! so please remember this when reading this blog: is officially my place to complain!

AND SEAN, for the next time you read: i love you and you are the greatest friend that i could ask for. i've known you for so long and no matter how much time it is between seeing you, everything always seems to fall back into place immediately. you are amazing in every way! <3

standing still

i am caught at a standstill once again. i can't move forward in either direction, and what's the point? to indulge in something that i really want is to deny myself of something else that i want just as bad. like most dilemmas in life, i can't seem to find the happy medium and am not even sure if it exists.

not only this, but if i choose to let myself indulge, would i even be able to? after so long i am not sure whether or not my emotions even work properly anymore. every time i get close, i find a reason to pull away. i'm scared to hurt and i'm scared to be hurt, so i can't find the happy medium between abusing others and abusing myself.

there's always some reason to escape; always a reason to question myself on whether or not anything is really what i want. it is impossible for me to live in the moment. past and future repercussions are always in the front of my mind.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

teen angst

So, i've figured out that the reason i have been feeling anxious so very often in the last little while has a directly negative correlation to the amount that i let myself cry. i used to cry over every little thing and was never plagued by anxiety. i haven't let myself cry for over a year and now, i am repeatedly anxious until i have a huge breakdown and freak out at my family and have a huge cryfest over nothing.
Also, i've been smoking cigarettes to try to alleviate this feeling, but i just can't do that anymore. my lungs are dying and i may have given myself bronchitis or even pneumonia. So, as per Nathan's advice on dealing with it, i've tried to distinguish what it is that is making me anxious the most. Of course i KNOW what it is. i know exactly how far back the anxiety started and i know exactly what i am usually thinking of when it comes. i am 99% sure that i know what triggered it in the first place and 99% sure that i know why it keeps coming back. but now that i know, what am i supposed to do about it?