for you i bleed myself dry

sean:

"Well i sure havent sent you a message on our old chain in a long time. Might as well start a new one. Anyways, it does have a purpose. Now i understand that i dont live in Calgary and i am not with you every day, i dont know any of your friends, and i dont know of any of your relations with them, but i just wanted to tell you, that you have so much going for you cant fret on life too hard. i read (and bookmarked:p) you're blog and i really want to know what is tearing you up so bad. you... YOU are this beautiful girl who is intelligent, caring, and absoluetly phenomenal in so many ways i cant describe. You are the one thing in this life that i stumble on words to give an acurate description.... i just go back to using a handful of synonyms for great haha. Whatever it is in life that is the route of your anxiety, and whatever the dilemma is that your facing, just know that you have too many qualities for your life to turn out anything short of perfect. Honestly, if this little message isnt going to change your dilemma your anxiety, or your little sad face status. I just hope it puts a smile on your face, just for a little while. Because, that would make me smile too. :)"

i don't mean for my blog to sound overly distressing. i'm a happy person, i swear! its just that the things that bother me are the only things that i write about. i vent about them on the internet so that i can be happy-g0-lucky in real life.

so yes, i am troubled and discouraged and lost, but who isn't? and on top of all of this, i am excited and optimistic, i am in love with so many aspects of my life, i appreciate the little things and i have goals and dreams! so please remember this when reading this blog: allisonthinksyouarecool.blogspot.com is officially my place to complain!

AND SEAN, for the next time you read: i love you and you are the greatest friend that i could ask for. i've known you for so long and no matter how much time it is between seeing you, everything always seems to fall back into place immediately. you are amazing in every way! <3

standing still

i am caught at a standstill once again. i can't move forward in either direction, and what's the point? to indulge in something that i really want is to deny myself of something else that i want just as bad. like most dilemmas in life, i can't seem to find the happy medium and am not even sure if it exists.

not only this, but if i choose to let myself indulge, would i even be able to? after so long i am not sure whether or not my emotions even work properly anymore. every time i get close, i find a reason to pull away. i'm scared to hurt and i'm scared to be hurt, so i can't find the happy medium between abusing others and abusing myself.

there's always some reason to escape; always a reason to question myself on whether or not anything is really what i want. it is impossible for me to live in the moment. past and future repercussions are always in the front of my mind.

teen angst

So, i've figured out that the reason i have been feeling anxious so very often in the last little while has a directly negative correlation to the amount that i let myself cry. i used to cry over every little thing and was never plagued by anxiety. i haven't let myself cry for over a year and now, i am repeatedly anxious until i have a huge breakdown and freak out at my family and have a huge cryfest over nothing.
Also, i've been smoking cigarettes to try to alleviate this feeling, but i just can't do that anymore. my lungs are dying and i may have given myself bronchitis or even pneumonia. So, as per Nathan's advice on dealing with it, i've tried to distinguish what it is that is making me anxious the most. Of course i KNOW what it is. i know exactly how far back the anxiety started and i know exactly what i am usually thinking of when it comes. i am 99% sure that i know what triggered it in the first place and 99% sure that i know why it keeps coming back. but now that i know, what am i supposed to do about it?