nightmares

i just woke up from a long and terrifying dream. i am going to attempt to write as much of it here as i can, although i've already forgotten the beginning and a lot of the details.
i fell asleep listening to a playlist that i made before bed, and a lot of the songs were in my dreams and i think they affected what happened.

the earliest thing i remember was coming home to find my cousin selena and a man at my house. my auntie tabby was there too and dragana was with me. they were all talking and i was talking too and i had my computer playing my music. suddenly, there were more of my cousins there and they all started to sing along to sink, florida, sink with me. the next thing i knew, i woke up on the floor near my garage door (in my dream). I walked upstairs to find my aunt, my cousin and the man she had brought sitting upstairs outside my room. he had a one syllable name which i cannot remember and he got up to go downstairs as i walked up the stairs, in order to let my aunt and cousin talk alone. this is the first time i got a good look at him. he was old and ugly. i tried to talk to my aunt and cousin to tell them i would leave them alone too, but words wouldn't come out. i tried to get to my room but fainted again.

somehow, me and dragana decided to go to a bar with my cousin and the man and some other people. we were sitting on a bail of hay for a long time at the bar. while 'harrisburg' was playing at the bar, the man tried to kiss me and actually was holding me in place trying to kiss my neck and dragana just laughed and wouldn't do anything to help and he was so much stronger than me.

then 'back at your door' came on at the bar and everyone was happy for me because it was one of my favorite songs. this guy who had been talking to me, i forget how we knew him in the dream but i believe he was croatian or something, thought i was ignoring him because i kept almost fainting again. so he stood up on the bails of hay and started singing the song. his voice was really nice. then some asian guy stepped up and started singing the next line. his voice was also lovely. and finally, a black guy stood up to sing the succeeding line and he had a good voice as well. i then fainted again. when i woke up i was at kim's house (i've never been to kim's house) with a bunch of people including dragana and mirela. suddenly my "boyfriend" was there too. (maybe the croatian boy from the bar?) and i had much love and adoration for him. i told dragana and mirela that they looked in the mirror too much (which, to my knowledge, is not actually true), and sat on square couches trying exceptionally hard not to faint again. of course i did, and woke up screaming.

at this point i decided i better head home, so i began to walk to my car. I tried to walk over the river where it meets the kensington bridge and, for some reason, it was on level with the road. I thought it was ice but it was water and it was moving incredibly fast. it swept me sideways and over the railing and i was somehow raised like 50 feet in the air. as i sat in the air falling back into the water below, i comtemplated what to do. i didn't have my cell phone so i couldn't call for help if i got stuck in the rapids (as if that were possible, anyways), i wouldn't be able to reach the shore with the water moving so quickly, and i might die when i hit the water anyways - if i even hit water. I decided maybe i'd try to grab things (metal posts and such, don't ask me why they were there) as i fell. because, even though they would break my arms, they would slow my fall. while contemplating this, i fainted again.

the next thing i remember is getting to my car. i got in and hooked up my old ipod to play 'the gardner' and grabbed my phone. my first impulse was to call dragana and nathan and tell them that i loved them. then i realized i should call my mom. finally, i decided i should call 911 first to let them know what happened. as i dialed the 3 digits, i reached to lock the door of my car (it was late at night), but i was too late. suddenly hands were around my neck and pushing me downwards. i was curled up backwards in my seat while i was dialing so they had me pressed against the steering wheel and i couldn't breathe and i looked up to see the guy's face and he was yelling at me but i couldn't hear what he was saying. and suddenly, above him, more faces were appearing until there were at least 7 men in my car, holding me down and yelling at me. i tried to tell them not to hurt me but my voice wasn't working again and i was on the verge of fainting. i tried to remember whether or not i had pressed send on the phone after dialing 911. finally i used all of my strength to yell I CAN'T HEAR YOU. my voice worked to say this and i looked up at them and i still could not hear them but that seemed to make them very angry and they were yelling at me more intensely now and choking me. at this point, i fainted again.

and then my playlist ended and i woke up for real.

the morning rain will wash away our pain

you did not dare say a single word
and i did not dare ask for something more.
i kept my questions secret, deep inside
but i wish i could have let you know about
a time when i would've said wait, please stay
did you mean to push me away?
please wait, just stay.
did you want it to be this way?

would you want to know what i've been through?
through all this time
would you want to know i have missed you too?
and i have you on my mind
and you've been and you will be a part of me
that i can't find
and you've been forgiven for your silence.

all this time, when i would've said wait, please stay
did you mean to push me away?
please wait, just stay
is there a way i could replace
times you never said,
"how've you been?"
"do you need anything?"
"want you to know i'm here."
"want you to feel me near."

and i hope that you will find your way
and i hope there will be better days

please wait, just stay.
did you mean to push me away?
please wait, just stay.
did you want it to be this way?
wait, please stay
and i hope, i hope that you will find your way.
please wait, just stay
and i hope, i hope there will be better days.

the kids at my work decided they wanted to do my hair today

so they made about 982374237 braids in my hair

and the thing around my neck is a scarf one of the little girls knitted me using her fingers







and for good measure, here is my smile @ the excitement of going out for my bday tonight

spain checklist

ASAP ASAP ASAP ASAP ASAP

1. get travel insurance info and get trip cancellation insurance
2. complete online information
3. fill out housing forms
4. get $970 for deposit..
5. go to CISSA office and fill out forms/pay deposit

all by april 8th.

can she do it?
she sure hopes so!

let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

i didn't choose for it to be so, but i am completely resigned from this.
it is easier to give up on things when your subconscious decides for you and you don't have to make the decision to get over it yourself.

aaand my application to go to Spain for fall semester was accepted. now, i just have to hope and pray that nothing goes wrong in the mean time and that nothing messes it up.

also, perfect coffee/exchange of words today with James. always on the same page, i missed you!

things to look forward to the rest of the week:
- girls night with steph tomorrow (beer + movies + pizza = (L) )
- lunch with ryanguy on thursday
- drum for my bday on friday... my favorite people are all coming !!!
- karaoke on saturday
- no longer feeling like i've felt this entire past week

Swing life away!

so now this heart can beat a skipping rhythm

And we sink, and we drown
and what is lost can never be found
well these arms did swim,
until the lungs pulled in
panic was lost in a deep understanding
that you will see what is wrong with everything
what is wrong with you and me
they make all the right reasons to fuck it up
you're gonna fuck it up

well then, who the hell was i?

i dont need more. i dont even want more. all i want is to stay how we are. but staying how we are is like standing on a tight rope. we are in perfect equilibrium, but with one small movement, we could be over the edge.
i never want to lose you. i never want to be anything but what we are right now.
to get over you is to not be your friend. to not be your friend is painful, as you mean so much more to me AS my friend than almost everyone else. but to be your friend is to feel this way, while simultaneously watching you drift away from me until eventually you are gone.
what kind of a choice is this?

please just stay for always.

grr.

i am very very upset at you.
you are being selfish and unreasonable.
in a competition that you, yourself, created, you will not win.
i will fight you to the death for this.