i am caught at a standstill once again. i can't move forward in either direction, and what's the point? to indulge in something that i really want is to deny myself of something else that i want just as bad. like most dilemmas in life, i can't seem to find the happy medium and am not even sure if it exists.
not only this, but if i choose to let myself indulge, would i even be able to? after so long i am not sure whether or not my emotions even work properly anymore. every time i get close, i find a reason to pull away. i'm scared to hurt and i'm scared to be hurt, so i can't find the happy medium between abusing others and abusing myself.
there's always some reason to escape; always a reason to question myself on whether or not anything is really what i want. it is impossible for me to live in the moment. past and future repercussions are always in the front of my mind.