i use this blog too much now that my other one is frozen =(

bruises

the smell of whiskey on her breath
all she thinks about is him
and on another thoughtless whim
she's beside him once again
and how can he say no
when she's drunk and set to go
so he takes it, takes it all

but its what he never knew
that would turn them black and blue
cause a beauty at first sight
she was all torn up inside
and she didn't want his body
and she didn't want his mind
but she took it, took it all

broken from the start
all she wanted was a part
in the thoughts, the sheets, the life
of a boy who wouldnt try
and though she knew he couldnt fix her
she thought it couldn't hurt to try
but then he took it, took it all

veil

i just want you to know
that i am a black hole
and all that is inside me,
down to the core
is cold
and dark
and empty

there is misery in me
in my blood and in my bones
and if you let it,
it will consume you too

this is a warning.

i feel wise, but don't i look like disaster?

darker days

Numb.
I want to be a robot,
a robot's always numb.
cause how can you feel pain
when there are lasers in your bum!

Person 1: I told you no, but didn't tell you why, for fear of hurting you. Now you so easily come to me with your problems about her. I don't care; I don't at all. But, how do you know that? How can you be sure this does not hurt me? I am once again enlightened to your selfish ways.

Person 2: Your initials, when said aloud, sound the way they do for a reason. You are empty. You are devoid of all rationality and reason. You care as little for me as you do for anyone else. How could you be okay with what he did to me? I messed up too, that is true, but nothing justifies me being treated that way. And for you to speak to others of a situation in which you weren't a part, and to shed false light on it, leaving me with all the blame, is the greatest betrayal of all. You are two-faced and you are weak and you are helpless and you are at the complete mercy of those incapable of caring for you. I'm ashamed to have called you a friend, and for standing up for you on so many occassions. Willpower, keep me strong enough to fight off the loneliness. I will not go back.

Everyone goes away.

I am uncomfortable getting close to anyone, even in friendship, knowing that they will, inevitably, do something to hurt me and, for once, I will have to be strong and walk away; will have to force myself to recognize that no one is as good or important or wonderful as I make them out to be in my mind.
The realization that you over-glamourize those who do not need you at all is a difficult one.
I am so alone.
I am so alone.
I put people on a pedestal who do not even deserve a place at my feet.

Person 3: I gave too much, showed too much; now I am scared to show anything at all. The things about me which you despise were things that others found interesting. I'll now be boring always, because of you.

such a waste of a young heart

i'm stuck i'm stuck i'm stuck
this is the worst feeling
everything is a mess and its all of my own doing
i am a mess
and i'd rather just lie in bed all day feeling numb
than fix any of it
i've been taking a break from real life
a reality check is necessary
but dear reality, where are you when i need you?

and so i realized

as much as you were using me, i was using you
and having a security blanket that's not so secure isn't healthy
i cant keep running back to you whenever i feel alone
or because i'm too scared to get close to anyone else
i dont want to take the time to let anyone else in
so back to you i go
you're my emotional crutch
but you're one that always falls down

seeking stability from something unstable: my best venture yet.

Let us die young or let us live forever...

youth is like diamonds in the sun
and diamonds are forever, forever

panic attack

and just as i came home
and i walked into my empty room
i sat upon this empty bed
with creatures that i'd left for dead,
my heart it started racing
and my eyes just wouldn't close

and that's when i knew
that's when i knew

nothing is right without someone like you
without someone like you
without someone like you
nothing is right without someone like you

but that's a lie if i ever told one
because even though i thought of you
as i laid there on my back
staring at the stark white ceiling
trying to calm my nerves
i knew that i had always known
i'd always known i needed someone like you

i always knew
nothing is right without someone like you
someone like you
i need someone like you
no, nothing is right without someone like you

where does one find someone
like you
?

seasons change and so do i

summer is for the optimistic
warm nights for holding someone's hand
and in daytime, the glaring sun is never too much
for a care-free girl in a capitalist's world

winter is soothing for the lonely soul
cold and snow and evenings, pitch black
one's filthy habits and wretched thoughts
can find solitude here in a season most despised

once, when you weren't looking, i did a cannonball

"this summer i swam in the ocean,
and i swam in a swimming pool,
salt my wounds, chlorine my eyes,
i'm a self-destructive fool,
i'm a self-destructive fool."