and so i realized

as much as you were using me, i was using you
and having a security blanket that's not so secure isn't healthy
i cant keep running back to you whenever i feel alone
or because i'm too scared to get close to anyone else
i dont want to take the time to let anyone else in
so back to you i go
you're my emotional crutch
but you're one that always falls down

seeking stability from something unstable: my best venture yet.

Let us die young or let us live forever...

youth is like diamonds in the sun
and diamonds are forever, forever

panic attack

and just as i came home
and i walked into my empty room
i sat upon this empty bed
with creatures that i'd left for dead,
my heart it started racing
and my eyes just wouldn't close

and that's when i knew
that's when i knew

nothing is right without someone like you
without someone like you
without someone like you
nothing is right without someone like you

but that's a lie if i ever told one
because even though i thought of you
as i laid there on my back
staring at the stark white ceiling
trying to calm my nerves
i knew that i had always known
i'd always known i needed someone like you

i always knew
nothing is right without someone like you
someone like you
i need someone like you
no, nothing is right without someone like you

where does one find someone
like you
?

seasons change and so do i

summer is for the optimistic
warm nights for holding someone's hand
and in daytime, the glaring sun is never too much
for a care-free girl in a capitalist's world

winter is soothing for the lonely soul
cold and snow and evenings, pitch black
one's filthy habits and wretched thoughts
can find solitude here in a season most despised

once, when you weren't looking, i did a cannonball

"this summer i swam in the ocean,
and i swam in a swimming pool,
salt my wounds, chlorine my eyes,
i'm a self-destructive fool,
i'm a self-destructive fool."

day seven, this is hell, this is hell

day 1
was no fun
day 2
i hated you
day 3
i wished you'd come right back to me
day 4
5
6
well, i guess you just don't give a shit

i messaged someone back today

it was my last shred of hope in finding true blue
not in this person, but in humanity.

unrelated:
how will i ever know when something is right?
when i almost have my heart set on something,
i'm reminded of some possibility or another
and it makes me not want to decide on anything at all.

what i want most is something that means so much,
is so transparently pure and right,
that no other possibility could ever compare.

i'm doomed to search forever
for the answers
to questions
which have none.

i tried to ask you to your face,

but no words came out. i put on my hood and walked away. that doesn't mean i don't like you. and besides, you're probably holding hands with some skinny, pretty girl that likes to talk about bands. and all I wanna do is ride bikes with you and stay up late and watch cartoons. i opened my mouth and i tried and i tried.

what does being good enough feel like?

that poor duckling, sad and grey
he knew he was different from the rest
he was told it was bad to be different
he believed it was bad to be different
he grew to feel more and more inadequate each day
when he finally grew into himself,
into a beautiful swan,
he could finally embrace his differences
but only because they made him the same
the same as other swans
he finally felt as though he belonged somewhere
there's no such thing as different
there's no such thing as adequate

penny slots

this girl is
not a
jackpot

she won't make
you feel
lucky

and she aint
worth a
dime