day seven, this is hell, this is hell

day 1
was no fun
day 2
i hated you
day 3
i wished you'd come right back to me
day 4
5
6
well, i guess you just don't give a shit

i messaged someone back today

it was my last shred of hope in finding true blue
not in this person, but in humanity.

unrelated:
how will i ever know when something is right?
when i almost have my heart set on something,
i'm reminded of some possibility or another
and it makes me not want to decide on anything at all.

what i want most is something that means so much,
is so transparently pure and right,
that no other possibility could ever compare.

i'm doomed to search forever
for the answers
to questions
which have none.

i tried to ask you to your face,

but no words came out. i put on my hood and walked away. that doesn't mean i don't like you. and besides, you're probably holding hands with some skinny, pretty girl that likes to talk about bands. and all I wanna do is ride bikes with you and stay up late and watch cartoons. i opened my mouth and i tried and i tried.

what does being good enough feel like?

that poor duckling, sad and grey
he knew he was different from the rest
he was told it was bad to be different
he believed it was bad to be different
he grew to feel more and more inadequate each day
when he finally grew into himself,
into a beautiful swan,
he could finally embrace his differences
but only because they made him the same
the same as other swans
he finally felt as though he belonged somewhere
there's no such thing as different
there's no such thing as adequate

penny slots

this girl is
not a
jackpot

she won't make
you feel
lucky

and she aint
worth a
dime

my mind has fucked me over more times than any man could ever know

maybe i should give up giving
give up trying to be thin
give up and turn into my mother
god knows, i love her
and i'm sorry to whichever man,
should meet my sorry state.

quoted for truth

you're such a special girl allison
how why no
because you genuinely care for people, which no one does.
i care for people i shouldn't care for or who don't care for me. its not very special when you're living it.

you know i always like to play the victim

I cry, cry, cry, then I complain
Come back for more, do it again
I cry, cry, cry, then I complain
Come back for more, do it again

where once i felt so at home

never again will that feeling be known.

to forgive

is divine?

why is forgiveness equated with divinity when all it seems to do is make one a weak person a majority of the time. yes, there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting, but forgiving in my case involves the comprehension of the other's perspective. Once this understanding has been made, it is nearly impossible to hold a grudge, and even more impossible to hold anything against them. Once it is impossible to hold anything against them, you begin to see them as the same person you once did before you were given a reason to be cross with them in the first place. In this way, forgiving and forgetting are far too similar.

i've always been able to see most situations from all sides, making it difficult for me to judge anyone harshly. but i just wish this "divine" process would take me a longer time. when people fuck up big time they deserve for me to be mad at them for some time before i come to understand where they were coming from all along. somehow though, no matter what the damage, it takes but hours or moments for me to turn from steaming mad and angry allison back into understanding and compassionate allison.

i would get hurt a lot less if i weren't so easily forgiving, if i could actually uphold the ability to hate someone.

i am weak.