i just woke up from a long and terrifying dream. i am going to attempt to write as much of it here as i can, although i've already forgotten the beginning and a lot of the details.
i fell asleep listening to a playlist that i made before bed, and a lot of the songs were in my dreams and i think they affected what happened.
the earliest thing i remember was coming home to find my cousin selena and a man at my house. my auntie tabby was there too and dragana was with me. they were all talking and i was talking too and i had my computer playing my music. suddenly, there were more of my cousins there and they all started to sing along to sink, florida, sink with me. the next thing i knew, i woke up on the floor near my garage door (in my dream). I walked upstairs to find my aunt, my cousin and the man she had brought sitting upstairs outside my room. he had a one syllable name which i cannot remember and he got up to go downstairs as i walked up the stairs, in order to let my aunt and cousin talk alone. this is the first time i got a good look at him. he was old and ugly. i tried to talk to my aunt and cousin to tell them i would leave them alone too, but words wouldn't come out. i tried to get to my room but fainted again.
somehow, me and dragana decided to go to a bar with my cousin and the man and some other people. we were sitting on a bail of hay for a long time at the bar. while 'harrisburg' was playing at the bar, the man tried to kiss me and actually was holding me in place trying to kiss my neck and dragana just laughed and wouldn't do anything to help and he was so much stronger than me.
then 'back at your door' came on at the bar and everyone was happy for me because it was one of my favorite songs. this guy who had been talking to me, i forget how we knew him in the dream but i believe he was croatian or something, thought i was ignoring him because i kept almost fainting again. so he stood up on the bails of hay and started singing the song. his voice was really nice. then some asian guy stepped up and started singing the next line. his voice was also lovely. and finally, a black guy stood up to sing the succeeding line and he had a good voice as well. i then fainted again. when i woke up i was at kim's house (i've never been to kim's house) with a bunch of people including dragana and mirela. suddenly my "boyfriend" was there too. (maybe the croatian boy from the bar?) and i had much love and adoration for him. i told dragana and mirela that they looked in the mirror too much (which, to my knowledge, is not actually true), and sat on square couches trying exceptionally hard not to faint again. of course i did, and woke up screaming.
at this point i decided i better head home, so i began to walk to my car. I tried to walk over the river where it meets the kensington bridge and, for some reason, it was on level with the road. I thought it was ice but it was water and it was moving incredibly fast. it swept me sideways and over the railing and i was somehow raised like 50 feet in the air. as i sat in the air falling back into the water below, i comtemplated what to do. i didn't have my cell phone so i couldn't call for help if i got stuck in the rapids (as if that were possible, anyways), i wouldn't be able to reach the shore with the water moving so quickly, and i might die when i hit the water anyways - if i even hit water. I decided maybe i'd try to grab things (metal posts and such, don't ask me why they were there) as i fell. because, even though they would break my arms, they would slow my fall. while contemplating this, i fainted again.
the next thing i remember is getting to my car. i got in and hooked up my old ipod to play 'the gardner' and grabbed my phone. my first impulse was to call dragana and nathan and tell them that i loved them. then i realized i should call my mom. finally, i decided i should call 911 first to let them know what happened. as i dialed the 3 digits, i reached to lock the door of my car (it was late at night), but i was too late. suddenly hands were around my neck and pushing me downwards. i was curled up backwards in my seat while i was dialing so they had me pressed against the steering wheel and i couldn't breathe and i looked up to see the guy's face and he was yelling at me but i couldn't hear what he was saying. and suddenly, above him, more faces were appearing until there were at least 7 men in my car, holding me down and yelling at me. i tried to tell them not to hurt me but my voice wasn't working again and i was on the verge of fainting. i tried to remember whether or not i had pressed send on the phone after dialing 911. finally i used all of my strength to yell I CAN'T HEAR YOU. my voice worked to say this and i looked up at them and i still could not hear them but that seemed to make them very angry and they were yelling at me more intensely now and choking me. at this point, i fainted again.
and then my playlist ended and i woke up for real.
you did not dare say a single word
ASAP ASAP ASAP ASAP ASAP
i dont need more. i dont even want more. all i want is to stay how we are. but staying how we are is like standing on a tight rope. we are in perfect equilibrium, but with one small movement, we could be over the edge.
"Well i sure havent sent you a message on our old chain in a long time. Might as well start a new one. Anyways, it does have a purpose. Now i understand that i dont live in Calgary and i am not with you every day, i dont know any of your friends, and i dont know of any of your relations with them, but i just wanted to tell you, that you have so much going for you cant fret on life too hard. i read (and bookmarked:p) you're blog and i really want to know what is tearing you up so bad. you... YOU are this beautiful girl who is intelligent, caring, and absoluetly phenomenal in so many ways i cant describe. You are the one thing in this life that i stumble on words to give an acurate description.... i just go back to using a handful of synonyms for great haha. Whatever it is in life that is the route of your anxiety, and whatever the dilemma is that your facing, just know that you have too many qualities for your life to turn out anything short of perfect. Honestly, if this little message isnt going to change your dilemma your anxiety, or your little sad face status. I just hope it puts a smile on your face, just for a little while. Because, that would make me smile too. :)"
i am caught at a standstill once again. i can't move forward in either direction, and what's the point? to indulge in something that i really want is to deny myself of something else that i want just as bad. like most dilemmas in life, i can't seem to find the happy medium and am not even sure if it exists.
So, i've figured out that the reason i have been feeling anxious so very often in the last little while has a directly negative correlation to the amount that i let myself cry. i used to cry over every little thing and was never plagued by anxiety. i haven't let myself cry for over a year and now, i am repeatedly anxious until i have a huge breakdown and freak out at my family and have a huge cryfest over nothing.
