quoted for truth

you're such a special girl allison
how why no
because you genuinely care for people, which no one does.
i care for people i shouldn't care for or who don't care for me. its not very special when you're living it.

you know i always like to play the victim

I cry, cry, cry, then I complain
Come back for more, do it again
I cry, cry, cry, then I complain
Come back for more, do it again

where once i felt so at home

never again will that feeling be known.

to forgive

is divine?

why is forgiveness equated with divinity when all it seems to do is make one a weak person a majority of the time. yes, there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting, but forgiving in my case involves the comprehension of the other's perspective. Once this understanding has been made, it is nearly impossible to hold a grudge, and even more impossible to hold anything against them. Once it is impossible to hold anything against them, you begin to see them as the same person you once did before you were given a reason to be cross with them in the first place. In this way, forgiving and forgetting are far too similar.

i've always been able to see most situations from all sides, making it difficult for me to judge anyone harshly. but i just wish this "divine" process would take me a longer time. when people fuck up big time they deserve for me to be mad at them for some time before i come to understand where they were coming from all along. somehow though, no matter what the damage, it takes but hours or moments for me to turn from steaming mad and angry allison back into understanding and compassionate allison.

i would get hurt a lot less if i weren't so easily forgiving, if i could actually uphold the ability to hate someone.

i am weak.

in my skin

the fleeting
never fail to make me feel so insecure
the ones who stay
always fail to make me sure

where is your love now
if it ever was
something other than fantastical creation
something outside of our imagination
then where is it now
have you locked it up tightly
did you throw out the key
love is not an escape artist, you see
have you sealed it in a bottle
did you send it out to sea
love is not love unless you believe
where is your love now
where is your love

lesson learned

It's been a tough year for all it's worth
Still keep my phone number at the bottom of your purse
Between your sticks of gum and all the
Reasons why you don't call me anymore

Just in case you change your mind
Hang a right at the lights, I get off work at five
I'm a song away on your stereo
So just get in your car and drive

I think it's high time you find
Diamonds in this coalmine called me
And there's reasons to prove I can change
If that's what you want me to do
That's what you want me to do

i thought you appreciated the nice things i always did for you.
but apparently, all it did was make me into someone who is unimportant to you unless you are in need of something.
by showing i care, i somehow made myself worthless in your eyes.

hey, this one's for you

pity, take pity on me
cause i'm not half the man that i should be
always turning to run
from the people i should not be afraid of

and darling, you should know
that i have fantasies about being alone
its like love is a lesson that i can't learn
cause i make the same mistakes at each familiar turn

i know you can't hold out forever
waiting on a diamond and a tether
from a boy who won't swing
but who will dip his toe in
just to keep you here with him

i've got this habit i abhor
when we go out, i'm always watching the door
as if there's someone i'm gonna see
who could out-do the things that you do to me

i know you can't hold out forever
waiting on a diamond and a tether
from a boy who won't fly but who will take to the skies
if he thinks that you're about to say goodbye

pity, take pity on me
cause i'm not half the man that i should be
i don't blame you, you've had enough
of all these empty promises and countless bluffs

cause i know you can't hold out forever
waiting on a diamond and a tether
from a boy who won't jump when he falls in love
well, he just stands with his toes on the edge
and he waits for it to disappear again

nightmares

i just woke up from a long and terrifying dream. i am going to attempt to write as much of it here as i can, although i've already forgotten the beginning and a lot of the details.
i fell asleep listening to a playlist that i made before bed, and a lot of the songs were in my dreams and i think they affected what happened.

the earliest thing i remember was coming home to find my cousin selena and a man at my house. my auntie tabby was there too and dragana was with me. they were all talking and i was talking too and i had my computer playing my music. suddenly, there were more of my cousins there and they all started to sing along to sink, florida, sink with me. the next thing i knew, i woke up on the floor near my garage door (in my dream). I walked upstairs to find my aunt, my cousin and the man she had brought sitting upstairs outside my room. he had a one syllable name which i cannot remember and he got up to go downstairs as i walked up the stairs, in order to let my aunt and cousin talk alone. this is the first time i got a good look at him. he was old and ugly. i tried to talk to my aunt and cousin to tell them i would leave them alone too, but words wouldn't come out. i tried to get to my room but fainted again.

somehow, me and dragana decided to go to a bar with my cousin and the man and some other people. we were sitting on a bail of hay for a long time at the bar. while 'harrisburg' was playing at the bar, the man tried to kiss me and actually was holding me in place trying to kiss my neck and dragana just laughed and wouldn't do anything to help and he was so much stronger than me.

then 'back at your door' came on at the bar and everyone was happy for me because it was one of my favorite songs. this guy who had been talking to me, i forget how we knew him in the dream but i believe he was croatian or something, thought i was ignoring him because i kept almost fainting again. so he stood up on the bails of hay and started singing the song. his voice was really nice. then some asian guy stepped up and started singing the next line. his voice was also lovely. and finally, a black guy stood up to sing the succeeding line and he had a good voice as well. i then fainted again. when i woke up i was at kim's house (i've never been to kim's house) with a bunch of people including dragana and mirela. suddenly my "boyfriend" was there too. (maybe the croatian boy from the bar?) and i had much love and adoration for him. i told dragana and mirela that they looked in the mirror too much (which, to my knowledge, is not actually true), and sat on square couches trying exceptionally hard not to faint again. of course i did, and woke up screaming.

at this point i decided i better head home, so i began to walk to my car. I tried to walk over the river where it meets the kensington bridge and, for some reason, it was on level with the road. I thought it was ice but it was water and it was moving incredibly fast. it swept me sideways and over the railing and i was somehow raised like 50 feet in the air. as i sat in the air falling back into the water below, i comtemplated what to do. i didn't have my cell phone so i couldn't call for help if i got stuck in the rapids (as if that were possible, anyways), i wouldn't be able to reach the shore with the water moving so quickly, and i might die when i hit the water anyways - if i even hit water. I decided maybe i'd try to grab things (metal posts and such, don't ask me why they were there) as i fell. because, even though they would break my arms, they would slow my fall. while contemplating this, i fainted again.

the next thing i remember is getting to my car. i got in and hooked up my old ipod to play 'the gardner' and grabbed my phone. my first impulse was to call dragana and nathan and tell them that i loved them. then i realized i should call my mom. finally, i decided i should call 911 first to let them know what happened. as i dialed the 3 digits, i reached to lock the door of my car (it was late at night), but i was too late. suddenly hands were around my neck and pushing me downwards. i was curled up backwards in my seat while i was dialing so they had me pressed against the steering wheel and i couldn't breathe and i looked up to see the guy's face and he was yelling at me but i couldn't hear what he was saying. and suddenly, above him, more faces were appearing until there were at least 7 men in my car, holding me down and yelling at me. i tried to tell them not to hurt me but my voice wasn't working again and i was on the verge of fainting. i tried to remember whether or not i had pressed send on the phone after dialing 911. finally i used all of my strength to yell I CAN'T HEAR YOU. my voice worked to say this and i looked up at them and i still could not hear them but that seemed to make them very angry and they were yelling at me more intensely now and choking me. at this point, i fainted again.

and then my playlist ended and i woke up for real.

the morning rain will wash away our pain

you did not dare say a single word
and i did not dare ask for something more.
i kept my questions secret, deep inside
but i wish i could have let you know about
a time when i would've said wait, please stay
did you mean to push me away?
please wait, just stay.
did you want it to be this way?

would you want to know what i've been through?
through all this time
would you want to know i have missed you too?
and i have you on my mind
and you've been and you will be a part of me
that i can't find
and you've been forgiven for your silence.

all this time, when i would've said wait, please stay
did you mean to push me away?
please wait, just stay
is there a way i could replace
times you never said,
"how've you been?"
"do you need anything?"
"want you to know i'm here."
"want you to feel me near."

and i hope that you will find your way
and i hope there will be better days

please wait, just stay.
did you mean to push me away?
please wait, just stay.
did you want it to be this way?
wait, please stay
and i hope, i hope that you will find your way.
please wait, just stay
and i hope, i hope there will be better days.

the kids at my work decided they wanted to do my hair today

so they made about 982374237 braids in my hair

and the thing around my neck is a scarf one of the little girls knitted me using her fingers







and for good measure, here is my smile @ the excitement of going out for my bday tonight